Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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