For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
