Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
