i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
