my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
