Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
