i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
