when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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