Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
