He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You can't motorboat a personality
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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