Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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