It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You ate ashes out of my bong
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
