I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
