i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
