1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
