hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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