So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
