I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I want a musical about memes.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
