Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
