birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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