The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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