you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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