I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
