i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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