Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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