I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
