ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
