i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
