im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
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and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
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They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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