I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
