Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
