He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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