***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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