I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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