So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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