Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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