Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She's the barista slut.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
