i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
