It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
