In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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