went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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