I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
