The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
