he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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