those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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