Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
