Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
