there's paper in my vomit.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
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Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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