Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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