but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
