I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
