mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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