my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
