Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
