Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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