I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
