"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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