Pants 0. Shit 1.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
