there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
