I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
