Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
