I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
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We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
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You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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